Can You Tell What's On My Tongue?
by hellomyshadowself
Summary: If only things were black and white cause I just want to hold you tight without holding back my mind.
I felt ashamed. Ashamed of myself. As I walked through the hallways I felt anger, but not the same anger that I felt before. It was another kind of anger. A kind that made me feel ashamed to have. The fact that I had to deal with that anger and not be able to do anything about it made me even more angry.

I tried to hide it from people who passed me by. Not that I would've cared about what they think. I just don't want to be talked about, because it would made me more on the spot than I already am. And I don't like being on the spot. So I hide my hands in my pockets and they won't see the bruises. And it works pretty well. Until I see her and the group. They are all by Riley's locker talking and laughing like a normal group. That's one of the things I love most about them, even when I'm not at my best. I love how I forget my problems around them and don't even realise I did.

But this time I don't see how I'm going to forget. This time I got bruises to prove something happened. She'll know. She always knows. Sometimes, before anything happens, she already knows it'll happen. It scares me. A lot. But not in a bad way. I'd say it just scares me in a different way how can she know what kind of day I'm having and how I'm going to react about it. She just knows stuff. Stuff about me. More than myself. It scares me.

They all look at me as I approach them.

"Hi, guys." I try to hide the best way I can.

"Hey, freak face. So we were talking about going to the movies tonight. Wanna come?" Asked Farkle and everyone looked at me expectantly.

I didn't really want to go. Just wanted to chill at home. Maybe at Maya's. Probably at Maya's. It's not possible to chill at home with all that's happening. But I asked anyway.

"What will you guys be watching?" Maybe if it was something that I really wanted to watch I'd be willing to go.

"The Conjuring 2" answered Zay all fired up.

I wasn't big fan of horror movies even thought I've watched plenty of them because Maya loved them. As I was about to answer when she interrupted me.

"Oh, guys, sorry. I tottaly forgot. Huckleberry here is helping me study for chemistry. I'm having a test on friday and you guys know he's the only one who has patience to teach me. I'm really sorry, we won't be able to come." She lied.

We didn't have plans. I'd knew if we had. And even if we had she woudn't remember. She never does. But I decided to agree with her.

"Oh, right... Sorry, guys." I lie too. Because if Maya was ditching a horror movie there's got to be something. So I'm playing along with the lie.

"Uh, okay then. I guess it'll be just the three of us." Riley said.

"Instead of watching The Conjuring you should be watching The Third Wheel. Looks much more like something Zay would like to watch." Maya said making Farkle and Riley get uncomfortable.

Zay being the third wheel was a fact between us already. Even if Riley and Farkle weren't together yet, because they are too shy to make a move on each other, fact that I found very weird since Farkle has always expressed his feeling towards Riley but when he knows the feeling is mutual he's too insecure to act on it. He still makes no sense to me whatsoever.

"Ha, very funny, Hart." Zay answered sarcastic.

The bell rang and the crowd in the hallway started directing towards their classes. I looked at Maya waiting for a sign but she just looked at me with that look and I already knew she knew something happened. I guess I'm not good at hiding things from her.

"Maya..." I tried to begin but she interrupted me.

"We'll talk at lunch." And left me there on the hallway wondering how could this woman know what I felt just by my look. What the...

Things don't make sense. The more you want to avoid something the faster it happens. Life doesn't make sense. How could people do what they want with their lives not thinking about the consequences their actions have on other people? How can they be so selfish? Why something that isn't even my fault affects me way more than it should, making me do things I don't want to do? Life makes no sense at all.

Lunch didn't take long to come, as I was trying to avoid it. I walked through the cafeteria heading to our table. As I sat I noticed they were talking about something. I tried to analyse them as the conversation went on.

What if I told Riley about my anger issues? She'd probably try to fix it, which would cause me more problems. She would not be able to hold herself from trying to change my life.

Farkle. Farkle would probably analyse me. Search for solutions to my problem on google. Calculate the possibilities of it being solved. I don't know. Just do the logical thing to do, which wouldn't work as well.

Zay already knows. Though he doesn't know about the recent event. I try to keep him out of this, for his own good.

I keep all of them out of this. They are not ready to see me for who I really am. For the things not even I am ready to deal with. But I have no choice. I got to deal with my business. They don't need it in their lives. Maya doesn't either. But it's not like I can hide it from her. But with her it's different. She already had a lot of pain in her life that she couldn't deal with because she was too young. I think maybe dealing with my problems helps her make up for those she couldn't solve. And I need her. I need her so damn much. Because without her I have nothing. I'd be broken. So maybe if we both are almost broken we can put together what we still have and make a whole.

Maya enters the cafeteria with dirty hands and I was sure she was in Art before. Everybody is too focused on the talk that they don't even notice she is here. She sat down by my side.

"So... are you gonna tell me now or?" She starts.

I look at her and turn my look to the guys to make sure they are not listening.

"He called me." I answer looking at my sandwich not so hungry anymore.

"What did he say?" She asks softly, almost like she's scared to hear the answer.

I didn't want to tell her. Not because I didn't want her to know. It was just hard to remember everything.

"C-Can we... talk about this later?" I asked looking at her almost begging her to no bring this up now.

She gave another soft look. Different from the other. This one was a bit appologetic and understanding.

"Are you okay?" She asked even though she knew I wasn't.

"I'll be."

She took my hand from my pocket slowly, as if she knew it was hurt. She looked a bit at my hand then looked at me with that same look. Except that this one now had a bit of worry. She laid her chin on my shoulder and looked at me deeply.

"I know you will. We'll talk later." She said and kissed my cheek.

And with her I would.

I've learned through the years that Maya's bedroom is much more than a room that she sleeps. It's not just it. It's like a sanctuary. Whenever I need to think I come here. I sit on the floor and lean on the bed. That's all that's needed for me to clear my head. But now, here, sitting on Maya's bedroom floor I've come to realise that Maya's bedroom is not the sanctuary. She is. The walls with things that reminds me of her. The smell of paint mixed with her perfume. It's like I don't need seeing her here to feel her presence.

She's drawing. I finish my english homework as she draws. I'm on the floor and she's on the bed but I can't stop looking at her. She doesn't even notice I'm watching her. I love it on her. How she can concentrate so much in what she loves that she forgets that there's a world around her.

"What are you drawing?" I ask as I get up and head to the bed.

"Ms. Kossal gave us an assignment, we're supossed to draw the streets of New York." She answers still looking at the paper.

"So, what street are you drawing?" I fall onto bed beside her and start kissing her neck.

"I'm trying to draw Topanga's street but it's n-not real-ly go...good." She answers as I continue from her neck to her earlobe and bite it.

"Maybe you have to go there tomorrow so you can see better." I whisper in her ear.

"Yeah. I guess I will." She says throwing her draw on the floor and pulling me to her so I can kiss her on the lips.

It's always like that with Maya. We tease each other just to see who lasts longer. But we were just distracting for a little bit so this make out doesn't last very long seeing that we had things to dicuss.

I stop the kiss and bury my face in her hair. She gets my shirt up a little while I'm still over her and starts scratching my back softly as I build my courage to tell her what happened.

"You remember when I told you Pappy Joe was more tired lately?" I ask remembering the talk we had not so long ago about how weird Pappy Joe was acting.

"Yeah." She answers still scratching my back, but more softly now.

"He's sick. He has some kind of bone detrition." I say but continue laid on her hiding my face in her hair.

"Lucas..." She starts but I stop her.

"No. That's not all. The worst part was that I had to hear it from my father while he blamed me for not being there for Pappy Joe when he needed me and how I made everything worse because of my behavior back when I lived there." I said as I lifted my head so I could rest it on the pillow.

Maya just watched me not saying nothing. She looked like she was trying to understand the facts in her head. I was used to her doing that. But then her expression changed from thinking to angry. She looked really angry.

"Let me guess, your dad called you, said all those things to you so you were sad, but then you were mad so you punched the wall. Am I right?" She asked, she was mad at me, I knew she was.

Of course she was right, so I didn't answered for a while. I just laid there looking at her. I had to explain. I had to make her understand why I did that but just the thoght of him, just remembering the conversation already made me angry.

"You didn't hear what he said to me. He kept saying that if I wasn't a trobled kid everything would be diferent when it was all his fault because he was the one that made me mad in the first place, he's the one who made me have those anger issues, it's because of him my mom and I left!" When I finished I was already up and screaming, I coudn't control it. Just couldn't.

That man, that bastard, I couldn't even begin to think how many times I was mad at him. How bad he made me feel for all my childhood. How I had to be perfect in his eyes, otherwise I was nothing. How even if though he never beated, he humiliated me, he made me sad I was born. The way he treated my mother was no different. That man should never be called a father. And now he was blaming me? I couldn't accept it.

I was walking through the room, I rubbed my hair as my anger started to grow.

Maya made her way to me as I a sat on the floor. When she reached me she just took my hand off my head and made me look at her. As she looked at me I knew she saw desperation in my eyes so she just sitted on my lap and hugged me.

"God, Lucas..." Was all she said and then she started rubbing my hair while I just hugged her closer.

She started singing. She always did that when I couldn't control my anger. I reconized the song.

" _Oh babe, meet me in Tompkins Square Park. I wanna hold you in the dark one last time, just one last time._ "

She kept singing as I calmed down. Was kind of comic how her voice calmed me down instantly. Not just singing. If I was mad and she started talking to me the time for me to recover would be pretty short. But when she sang...it wouldn't only make me calm but it made me feel better too.

" _But no flame burns forever, oh you and I both know this all too well and most don't even last the night. No they don't, they say they don't._ "

Her voice was so beautiful. I always told her that even if she didn't believe me. Sometimes when it was just the two of us studying, or just cuddling I'd ask her to sing something. Her voice made me feel things I never thought I would feel.

She noticed I calmed and stopped singing. Then she looked at me. I felt her relaxing in my arms.

"Better?" She asked and I just nodded.

I wanted to tell her that with her I'm always better but knowing Maya she would just roll her eyes and make fun of me for being such a sap.

"Thank god you're better. I thought I'd have to sing Old MacDonald Had A Farm." She said sarcastic.

I smiled which made her smile. But then her expression changed and she said.

"Why didn't you call me?" She said serious now.

I looked away. Of couse she would ask me that. And worst of all. I didn't know how to answer.

She took my face by the hand and made me look at her. Her expression was a mix of hurt and doubt.

"I just.. I didn't want you to see me like this. Actually, I was worse than this. I was ashamed." I just looked at her and I knew she believed me, I was telling the truth. The look of interrogation changed to understanding but I still saw hurt in her eyes.

"I'm sorry. It was last night. I didn't know if you were awake, I just- I was so desperate I didn't even think before punching the wall. And after that I just couldn't move my fingers to call you even if I wanted to." I tried to explain, to make her feel better, which didn't happen.

She was the one to look away this time. I felt bad that I made her feel bad.

"Hey, babe... I'm sorry I didn't call you." I said kissing her cheek.

Then she looked at me and said.

"That's not the problem, Lucas. You fucking punched the wall. What if it wasn't the wall? What if you tried to do something stupid? Actually, what if you tried to do something more stupid?" Now she was angry at me. I felt terrible now.

She got up still mad at me and stood by the window. I got up as well and hugged her waist from behind.

"I know you were angry with him, I know the things he's done to you. I understand. But that doesn't justify what you did." She started as she looked through the window.

I knew she would act this way, it reminds me the time I rode Thumbstone and she got this way.

"What if you got seriously hurt, Lucas? Do you even think about what would've happened to me if you got seriously hurt?" She said looking at me now. Shit, she was really mad.

I know I shouldn't have done this but I just couldn't hold myself. She was so cute when she was angry I just couldn't take it. So I laughed. It made her even more pissed.

"Please tell me you are not laughing at me." She said as she took a big breath in.

"I'm sorry." I tried to be serious but I kept laughing. I couldn't help myself.

She looked at me like she was about to kill me now.

"I fucking hate you. Why do I even get worried about you? You clearly don't give a shit for what I feel." She was hurt now, I could see it. She walked away from me and went to the door but I held her before she walk out the door.

I looked in here eyes that now were red as she was about to cry and I stopped laughing.

"My god, Maya. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you. Is just, you looked so- nevermind. I'm sorry, of course I care about what you feel." I said trying to apologize but she tried to free her arm.

"Get off me." She said trying to leave but I was still holding her. "Get off me, Lucas!"

She tried again but I refused to release her. Then I held her waist and pulled her closer. I embraced her in my arms in a hug.

"I'm sorry, I know I fucked up. I should've called you. But you know sometimes I'm an idiot. Sometimes I screw things up and don't even realise what I'm doing or who I hurt." Now she relaxed in my arms.

"I just- I thought you'd think I'm weak. 'Cause I can't deal with my own father so I start punching things." I tried to explain.

"I didn't call you because you would've made me feel better. But yesterday was different, I didn't want to feel better. I wanted to be mad. I wanted to scream and punch things and not feel better. Yesterday was the worst, I'm not going to lie. I thought about doing something more stupid than punching the wall." I felt she hold her breath.

"But then I punched the wall. And while I was looking at my hands full of blood I thought of you, and how I could never do something that would not just hurt me, but would hurt you too." She released the breath she was holding now and hugged me back.

"I love you. You know I do. Of course I care about what you feel. I care more about you than about me. I don't give a shit about me, but when I think about you... You just... I'd never do anything to hurt you, so if I did, I'm really sorry." Now she looked in my eyes. She was serious. Her eyes were not red anymore.

She didn't say anything as she looked away. She was scaring me so I said.

"Maya, say something." I asked. I couldn't take that silence anymore.

She looked at me again.

"You thought I'd think you were weak 'cause you have father issues and can't deal with it? Do you even know who are you talking to?" She said and a little smirk appeared on her face.

A smile appeared on my face as well and I leaned in to kiss her.

"God, I love you so much." I said as I kissed her still smiling.

As we stopped kissing our foreheads stayed together.

"Promise me something?" She asked with her eyes still closed.

"Anything." I answered looking at her.

"If it ever happens again, you'll call me. Please" She said now with her blue eyes wide open looking straight into mine.

As if she had to ask. I would do anything she asks me, sometimes she doesn't even have to ask.

"I promise." And I would. I never want to see the same hurt in her eyes that I saw today.

"Okay." She said and I felt her relax even more in my arms. Like a weight was taken out of her chest. She kissed me this time but when she stopped it she looked in my eyes again, but this time with worry.

"But what about Pappy Joe? What's going to happen to him?" She asked.

I took a little while to answer thinking about the easiest way to respond.

"He has to rest now, which won't be hard for him. You know Pappy Joe. Always in that rocking chair doing nothing but staring at the view." I said joking and remembering how lazy Pappy Joe can be.

She smiled and nodded. She gave me a last kiss and walked away from my embrace so she could lay on the bed again. Another lazy one. Huh.

She patted the bed for me to lay next to her. I went, of course, and leaned my head on her belly as she stroked my hair. She took my hand and examined my bruises then she gave it a soft kiss. She looked at my face and examined me this time.

"Have you got any sleep last night?" She asked me even thought she knew I probably haven't.

I shooked my head.

"C'mere, Huckleberry" She said softy with a smile and arms open. And I did as she said.

I laid on her pillow beside her as she hugged me and stroked my hair. I could smell her strawberry shampoo, it made me relax. I closed my eyes and she said.

"Try to get some sleep, I'll be right here finishing my art work." I felt her move a little so she could pick the paper she was working before.

As I was almost asleep I heard her say.

"Oh, and just so you know I love you too." And left a little kiss on my forehead. I smiled a little.

Of course I knew.


End file.
